The McWTF

i'm not a huge fan of Mcdonalds, never have been, but every once and awhile convenience trumps standards and ya gotta go with what's available. so a few days ago i find myself at the local Mc-e-deez to grab a late night dinner. now i never expect much when i go there to eat, and i realise no one working there is striving for top notch service and exceeding expectations, but do expect that when i order a cheeseburger, which has 3 main ingredients i fully expect all 3 to be present. this is what i think happened:

17 years old pothead/over 40 fuck up alcoholic mcdonalds worker:

so lets see here, we have the Mcbun, the mccheese, and the mcmeat. but since i mchate my life, lets just give these pleasant and oddly attractive paying customers the big mcfuck you, and leave off the mcmeat. yeah, take that successful youth in the sweet mitsubishi lancer!

Jordanisms

My younger son Jordan, age 4 and a pint as of this post, is notorious for saying the most random things and making up wild stories. One of these days i want to just grab a pad and paper so i can post some of the stories he's told me. i know one involved a fish, a can of soda, and eventually murder. (should i be worried? eh, i'll just blame violent TV) anywho, this is what he said to me in the car yesterday:

Me: randomly talking to the boys about their day

Jordan: (interrupting me) mom, i LOVE the sound of your voice!

Me: *smiles* well thanks son! why do you like my voice so much?

Jordan: because mom, you sound like a dog. you have a dog voice. i like dogs

Both boys then proceed to mimic my voice by barking wildly inthe car. the end.

Gettin' Creative

With cake!!! Mmmmm cake. ya know whats better then cake? sex! but if you can't do that, then rainbow cake is a close second...

15 Reasons you should love Tameaka Haynes

By Tameaka Haynes

oh how i love thee, let me count the ways......

1. I'm black. no one saw this coming right? but think about it, how many black friends do you really have? everybody needs at least one black friend, if only for the sole purpose of not appearing incredibly racist. but also to appreciate the not-so-subtle culture that comes from the black community. now, i know what you are thinking. um Tameaka? you are only half black. and i have a few things to say to that. first off, it's colorado fucking springs, let's not get picky. there aren't a lot of wesley snipes type peoples running around this joint. so quit looking a black stallion in the mouth. two, whenever a questionnaire asks for race, i put "black" so fuck that halfsies shit. no one looks at me and says, "hey, that girls only half colored, so she's fine in my book" they see a black woman, period. and third, you don't have to be chocolate on chocolate-chocolate to appreciate the izzle, gizzles and fo-shizzles of the black arts-fool.

2. i'm smart. let's not get it twisted, i have my moments, urryone does, but overall i can hold an intellectual conversation. there are a lot of dumb broads in this world (you know who you are). who has two thumbs and ain't one of 'em? this gal.

3. i love animals (yay puppies!) and i am a dog genius. that's right you heard me, genius. and i'm okay saying that. i am dog's best friend, and dog is your best friend. therefore, through simple math Tameaka is your best friend.

4. i'm not afraid of poop. again, let's not get crazy with our imaginations. i, in no way shape or form like/enjoy/fetish/love/dream of or get excited about poop. but tameaka fears no feces yall. i have a dog, two cats, two kids, and i used to clean dog kennels for a living. i have seen a lot of shit in my life. its kinda just "there" for me. not a lot of folks can say that. though disgusting, i think it makes me slightly more awesome (as a whole)

5. i talk dirty. here let me show you : %#*&$^ @($ @#* $@#!!!^* )@)*((&@# (@#&&$^#%@#$@. what i said right there, was WAY too dirty for the blogging universe. trust me, it was raw.

6. i'm left handed. that automatically makes me better than you.

7. i'm from another country. that means i am exotic : ) on top of that, have dual citizenship so BOOYAH. (it's with the united kingdom and the US, cause i know you wanna know)

8. on top of being exotic, and having dual citizenship (BOOYAH!) i also have like, a gang of culture. let's see here, i'm black, white and European?? thats like diversity fucking overload. my folks got mad jungle fever !! i can enjoy a cup a tea with a splash of gin and juice, while watching something incredibly white! (a rodeo maybe? pretty woman?)

9. i keeps it mad real.

10. i can have a martini with the girls, and beers with the boys. tameaka is not your average "girly girl" i can appreciate some candid girl talk about ya know "feelings". but i can also laugh at sex jokes, down a (light, maybe fruity type wimp) beer, and talk about who is rockin a sexy rack. i can watch porn, go shoe shopping, play sports, get my nails did, play beer pong, read cosmo, check out a sweet set of tits, and take a punch in the face (if anyone would ever fuckin punch me, for God sakes bitches bring it ON!)

11. i can suck a mean d!ck.

12. i have good family values. big ups to my dad, (i won't say your name due to the integrity of your profession, and the flat out classless nature of this blog) also big up to my moms JODIE HAYNES, cause Lord knows she can down a rum and coke and watch porn with the best of 'em. hugs and kisses : ) i look after my sis and bro when i can, and i think my folks do their best to look after me too. i have two boys which i adore (even though i hate children) and we are three peas in a pod....well, 7 peas when you count raj, katt, toast and bleau. i heart family.

13. i'm slightly hilarious. but just kinda. i'm like... i dunno, a 6.2? on the fucking LOL scale.

14. i can really appreciate music. music is my #2 fav thing eva. music and i are like this *crosses middle and index fingers* i love all types of music. techno, rap, R&B, poop loads of pop, old school, grunge, alternative and even a lil bit of country. i cannot, however, get behind death metal, and i have tried a couple times. but seriously? you call that shit music? i don't get it. i really try to do underground as much as possible, but i obviously look in all the wrong places since everything i find seems to end up on the radio. i've been successful a couple times, but i can't say i rep underground too much unfortunately. you really can't beat dancing around the house with your ipod though.

15. insert random radicleeze here. yall know how i do. Tameaka Haynes is amazeballs.

Separated at birth

courtesy of thechive.com

Being Tameaka Haynes

have you ever been two kinds of sick at the same time? naw, i bet your saying. that would TOTALLY suck. um, yeah it sure does.



Once upon a time, there was this totally awesome, smokin hot black chick named tameaka. on Opposite of Hell day, she got pretty sick with a head cold. it sucked, but headcolds are tolerable so she didn't let it steal her shine. one the 5th day of this completely undeserved day of suffering, she went and hung out with some friends of hers at their house. good times were had, and while there, tameka decided she deserved some louie's pizza and a good cold drink. the pizza was Divine, and she ate more pieces then she is willing to admit to the world on a public blog, but instead of her refreshing frosty brew, tameaka drank a poison called Four Loko. tameaka did not enjoy the taste of this drink, but it boasted a cheap price and 12% alcohol content, so she consumed one can and called it a night, or so she thought......



from midnight to 7 am the next day, tameaka barfed her sexy ass brains out. but since she hadn't eaten since dinner at 6, she didn't have any pizza to give the toilet Gods. They demanded payment, so she gave them the only things she had. do you remember her head cold? tameaka could only barf boogers, water and stomach bile. This did not make the Gods very happy, they made her barf six times before they were satisfied. (assholes) Tameaka was weak and tired, and vowed to tell the world about the poison that is Four Loco. beware its charms and snazzy camouflage can design. do not be fooled by its cheap price and enticing alcohol content! you, my gentle readers, have been warned.

God should have a lemon law

777 Heaven Dr, ah here is the place. now, where is customer service? oh oh, there it is....



*walks up to counter*



"oh, hey there... *reads name tag* Gabriel, hows it going kid? yeah, um i need to return this. *hands him earth body* it's defective. how? oh well, let me give you the rundown. my shit is whack son. the hair on it is real nappy. you know how a barbie's hair looks after a 7 year old has had it for about 6 months? yeah like that. i think the hair follicles themselves are shot completely, cause the hair seems to not replenish itself once its been cut. Also, the skin is super dry, so dry it turns white and flakes off in places. "ashy" is what we call it on earth, yeah its real ashy, not cute dude.
then there is the body itself, how come it gains weight so damn fast? i work out and shit too dawg, the calibration on the metabolism is WAY off. so yeah, fix that shit. the boobs were a bit big, and i was actually able to fix that myself, hope God doesn't mind, but in the meantime the framework is all busted. the back is S shaped, so my shoulders hunch over and my neck sits forward by about 2 extra inches, and my ass and sticks out in the opposite direction about two inches. i'm sure God is well aware of the fact that as a black woman, i don't need much help in the "ass sticking out" department.
then there are the internals! the cysts? dude, i could really REALLY do without those. do they have to be so constant? i know you are a dude and all, but i have one word for you: dildosound. i'm all about the advances in modern science, but a real fucked up guy made that procedure, just sayin. hmmm.what else, what else.... oh, my gallbladder, that was a fun year trying to figure out what that excruciating pain was. did he put that there specifically to torture me? that thing is pretty much useless, i dunno if yall knew that. you should really make the 2012 models without that. apparently it just fills with rocks until you have it burnt shut. i wonder where those rocks are going now?......anyways, pregnancy was no joke either. thanks for letting me live and all, but a stroke? that's a bit extreme don't you think? i mean, i wasn't really in a point in my life where i needed a wake up call or anything, so now i just wonder if God is mad at me or something? cause i'll give him back that $20 if he really needs it. although *looks around* y'all seem like you're doin aiight.

so look playa, i'm gonna need you to take this back *pushes earth body across counter made of heavenly clouds* and get me another one, preferable one that resembles Halle Berry, but whatever you have that's fly is cool. i'll take a Beyonce if you have one in stock. Thanks homie

Fuckin' Brrrrrr yo!!

Dear Colorado,

FUCK YOU.

Its negative 9 degrees outside right now, negative 14 degrees yesterday with a wind chill of negative 40. Seriously Colorado, seriously? I get it, we are in "the mountains" but for fucks sake, it feels like opposite day in hell around here.

This lovely weather we are having has blessed me with a headcold, which sucks because i really wanted to have sex today. thanks for nothing mother nature, thank you very much!

Why I deserve an Ocelot

Oc-e-lot: [os-uh-lot, oh-suh-]

–noun
a spotted leopardlike cat, Felis pardalis, ranging from Texas through South America: now greatly reduced in number and endangered in the U.S. (dictionary.com)

a.k.a

BADASS.

I know what you are thinking, that's a wild animal. and you're damn right that's a wild fucking animal !! I need one of these things asap. Here's why:

1. Look how fucking cute this thing is? Could you imagine coming over to my place and being hit with this 25 lbs bundle of spotted nuzzle-face? I bet when it purrs it sounds like a motor engine, like a little mustang five-oh in my lap just purring its endangered ass off.

2. speaking of which, it's endangered. i would be doing my part to conserve the species! i could make my home into an Ocelot habitat, not to mention its probably one hell of a mouser. can we say tax rebate?

3. after my little fiasco this weekend with Katt, i need some thing to eat her. well, maybe not "eat," maul maybe? my car still smells like cat shit people! it's winter and i can't open the windows, try to feel my pain.

4. two words: guard cat. picture this, robber breaks into my shit right, then BAM! Ocelot in yo face! i'm going to say this again. FUCKING OCELOT IN YO FACE!! could you imagine?

5. not to mention this thing is fuckin ballin', throw a gold chain around its neck and you are nothing less than a Boss with an Ocelot. and that's what Tameaka Haynes is, a Boss. What chu know bout my Ocelot bitch, gimme my money!

I'm now taking donations for the Ocelot fund. my birthday is in a year people, make this happen

Being Tameaka Haynes

There will be a few types of posts I am going to put on here, you are now being introduced to the first: "Being Tameaka Haynes" which will basically be a story about some stupid bullshit the universe decides to piss all over me. Shall we get started?

Pictured, is my 2 year old cat, "Katt." Seemly uncreative, the name actually fits her very well, because Katt is well...simple. I'm pretty sure she is mentally disabled in some way. Katt fails at felinism. She falls off ledges, gets beat up by the dog, eats my hair (like a true r'tard) and pretty much spends her existance sitting atop the couch ledge and farting in my face while sleeping with her tongue out. Katt is also another thing, a rescue. I paid a hundred fucking dollars at an adoption fair while people are throwing free kittens out of parade floats at Mardi Gras, just so i could feel good about "doing my part" for unwanted animals. The universe should have smiled on me with the worlds most loving, athletic, master mouser in Herculean proportions of a feline, and what do I get? Katt.

01/27/2011: Katt goes missing. She was last seen inside the house, however she does go out from time to time, assume she is out clubbing and will grab a taxi home.

01/28/2011: Morning, Katt is still missing, I start to get worried. Search the house and see no cat, Raj has not seen her either, so we can only assume she spent the night on her friends couch. Weather is far, so she should be fine, and come home soon.

01/28/2011: Afternoon, concerned. checked Craigslist and humane society, no cat to be found. Start to wonder if she has been killed, or held Ransom. Start searching classifieds for replacement cat.

01/28/2011 Afternoon: The boys and I need to head to a birthday party so we all head to the car to get going. I pop open the car door, and who would appear, but Katt! This dumb pussy had hopped into the back seat of the car as the boys got out of the car last night, then was shut in and got stuck there for about 18 hours. Have you ever gone over 18 hours without going to the bathroom? Well neither has Katt. She took a straight dump on the front passenger floorboard and it didn't take long to find. (for all you non cat owners) unburied cat shit smells like the equivalent of 3 day old vomit microwaved on high. Now I can officially say my '09 Mitsu Lancer is the shit! Thanks Katt, glad you aren't dead.

Welcome !!

Welcome to Rallys Rants and Randoms by yours truely!! If you thought my Facebook posts were entertaining, then be prepared to get your cyber mind blown fool! This blog will now be my sounding board for any and everything I feel like sharing, saying, or bitching about to you my loyal friends : ) I'll include some art, updates on the family and boys, and of course everything in the whole wide world that pisses me off. There will be hilarity! there will be beauty! and of course, there will be copius uses of the word FUCK, to describe things i feel strongly about. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hop on for the fucking ride bitches! *insert evil laugh*

smooches,

TaFreaka