God should have a lemon law

777 Heaven Dr, ah here is the place. now, where is customer service? oh oh, there it is....



*walks up to counter*



"oh, hey there... *reads name tag* Gabriel, hows it going kid? yeah, um i need to return this. *hands him earth body* it's defective. how? oh well, let me give you the rundown. my shit is whack son. the hair on it is real nappy. you know how a barbie's hair looks after a 7 year old has had it for about 6 months? yeah like that. i think the hair follicles themselves are shot completely, cause the hair seems to not replenish itself once its been cut. Also, the skin is super dry, so dry it turns white and flakes off in places. "ashy" is what we call it on earth, yeah its real ashy, not cute dude.
then there is the body itself, how come it gains weight so damn fast? i work out and shit too dawg, the calibration on the metabolism is WAY off. so yeah, fix that shit. the boobs were a bit big, and i was actually able to fix that myself, hope God doesn't mind, but in the meantime the framework is all busted. the back is S shaped, so my shoulders hunch over and my neck sits forward by about 2 extra inches, and my ass and sticks out in the opposite direction about two inches. i'm sure God is well aware of the fact that as a black woman, i don't need much help in the "ass sticking out" department.
then there are the internals! the cysts? dude, i could really REALLY do without those. do they have to be so constant? i know you are a dude and all, but i have one word for you: dildosound. i'm all about the advances in modern science, but a real fucked up guy made that procedure, just sayin. hmmm.what else, what else.... oh, my gallbladder, that was a fun year trying to figure out what that excruciating pain was. did he put that there specifically to torture me? that thing is pretty much useless, i dunno if yall knew that. you should really make the 2012 models without that. apparently it just fills with rocks until you have it burnt shut. i wonder where those rocks are going now?......anyways, pregnancy was no joke either. thanks for letting me live and all, but a stroke? that's a bit extreme don't you think? i mean, i wasn't really in a point in my life where i needed a wake up call or anything, so now i just wonder if God is mad at me or something? cause i'll give him back that $20 if he really needs it. although *looks around* y'all seem like you're doin aiight.

so look playa, i'm gonna need you to take this back *pushes earth body across counter made of heavenly clouds* and get me another one, preferable one that resembles Halle Berry, but whatever you have that's fly is cool. i'll take a Beyonce if you have one in stock. Thanks homie

Fuckin' Brrrrrr yo!!

Dear Colorado,

FUCK YOU.

Its negative 9 degrees outside right now, negative 14 degrees yesterday with a wind chill of negative 40. Seriously Colorado, seriously? I get it, we are in "the mountains" but for fucks sake, it feels like opposite day in hell around here.

This lovely weather we are having has blessed me with a headcold, which sucks because i really wanted to have sex today. thanks for nothing mother nature, thank you very much!

Why I deserve an Ocelot

Oc-e-lot: [os-uh-lot, oh-suh-]

–noun
a spotted leopardlike cat, Felis pardalis, ranging from Texas through South America: now greatly reduced in number and endangered in the U.S. (dictionary.com)

a.k.a

BADASS.

I know what you are thinking, that's a wild animal. and you're damn right that's a wild fucking animal !! I need one of these things asap. Here's why:

1. Look how fucking cute this thing is? Could you imagine coming over to my place and being hit with this 25 lbs bundle of spotted nuzzle-face? I bet when it purrs it sounds like a motor engine, like a little mustang five-oh in my lap just purring its endangered ass off.

2. speaking of which, it's endangered. i would be doing my part to conserve the species! i could make my home into an Ocelot habitat, not to mention its probably one hell of a mouser. can we say tax rebate?

3. after my little fiasco this weekend with Katt, i need some thing to eat her. well, maybe not "eat," maul maybe? my car still smells like cat shit people! it's winter and i can't open the windows, try to feel my pain.

4. two words: guard cat. picture this, robber breaks into my shit right, then BAM! Ocelot in yo face! i'm going to say this again. FUCKING OCELOT IN YO FACE!! could you imagine?

5. not to mention this thing is fuckin ballin', throw a gold chain around its neck and you are nothing less than a Boss with an Ocelot. and that's what Tameaka Haynes is, a Boss. What chu know bout my Ocelot bitch, gimme my money!

I'm now taking donations for the Ocelot fund. my birthday is in a year people, make this happen

Being Tameaka Haynes

There will be a few types of posts I am going to put on here, you are now being introduced to the first: "Being Tameaka Haynes" which will basically be a story about some stupid bullshit the universe decides to piss all over me. Shall we get started?

Pictured, is my 2 year old cat, "Katt." Seemly uncreative, the name actually fits her very well, because Katt is well...simple. I'm pretty sure she is mentally disabled in some way. Katt fails at felinism. She falls off ledges, gets beat up by the dog, eats my hair (like a true r'tard) and pretty much spends her existance sitting atop the couch ledge and farting in my face while sleeping with her tongue out. Katt is also another thing, a rescue. I paid a hundred fucking dollars at an adoption fair while people are throwing free kittens out of parade floats at Mardi Gras, just so i could feel good about "doing my part" for unwanted animals. The universe should have smiled on me with the worlds most loving, athletic, master mouser in Herculean proportions of a feline, and what do I get? Katt.

01/27/2011: Katt goes missing. She was last seen inside the house, however she does go out from time to time, assume she is out clubbing and will grab a taxi home.

01/28/2011: Morning, Katt is still missing, I start to get worried. Search the house and see no cat, Raj has not seen her either, so we can only assume she spent the night on her friends couch. Weather is far, so she should be fine, and come home soon.

01/28/2011: Afternoon, concerned. checked Craigslist and humane society, no cat to be found. Start to wonder if she has been killed, or held Ransom. Start searching classifieds for replacement cat.

01/28/2011 Afternoon: The boys and I need to head to a birthday party so we all head to the car to get going. I pop open the car door, and who would appear, but Katt! This dumb pussy had hopped into the back seat of the car as the boys got out of the car last night, then was shut in and got stuck there for about 18 hours. Have you ever gone over 18 hours without going to the bathroom? Well neither has Katt. She took a straight dump on the front passenger floorboard and it didn't take long to find. (for all you non cat owners) unburied cat shit smells like the equivalent of 3 day old vomit microwaved on high. Now I can officially say my '09 Mitsu Lancer is the shit! Thanks Katt, glad you aren't dead.

Welcome !!

Welcome to Rallys Rants and Randoms by yours truely!! If you thought my Facebook posts were entertaining, then be prepared to get your cyber mind blown fool! This blog will now be my sounding board for any and everything I feel like sharing, saying, or bitching about to you my loyal friends : ) I'll include some art, updates on the family and boys, and of course everything in the whole wide world that pisses me off. There will be hilarity! there will be beauty! and of course, there will be copius uses of the word FUCK, to describe things i feel strongly about. So hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hop on for the fucking ride bitches! *insert evil laugh*

smooches,

TaFreaka